Here’s our new weekly advice column: ASK MAYOR GAHAN.


In an effort to show fairness and give equal time to the incumbent, NA Confidential is proud to present “ASK MAYOR GAHAN,” an advice column in which our own Slick Jeffrey tries his level best to help ordinary people lead lives as flawlessly suburban as his own.

Dear Mayor Gahan,

Recently, I saw an e-mail on my boyfriend’s phone from a female co-worker that read, “Sandwich is on your desk bud ;).” Yes, co-workers do that kind of stuff. But I couldn’t help it that my blood boiled. I trust my man, but I also feel uncomfortable with him being chummy with female co-workers. I know some honestly are just being nice! But we all know the other kind; where sandwich is code for “I want you.” Am I being ridiculous here?

Did you know I invented the sandwich?

My rule of thumb is to never be chummy with any other human being unless it’s a transaction confined to campaign finance. Even then, handshakes are a no-no; too many germs, so have them slip the envelope into the plastic flower arrangement on my desk. And buying people food is fine so long as they’re giving you back at least ten times the value in political donations.

Has your boyfriend’s co-worker supported my campaign? If not, I could have Todd drop in and gently encourage her.

Dear Mayor Gahan,

My husband’s brother-in-law is immature and self-centered, but I wasn’t prepared for what a bad house guest he is. He won’t have so much as a cup of coffee at our house, insisting on going out for everything. The first trip he just sat back expectantly when the check arrived, until we finally had to tell him we could not afford to pay for everything. He only wants to do what he wants to do, making faces and being passive aggressive at our suggestions. He doesn’t pick up after himself, he drinks a lot. You get the idea. What can I do?

Consider pulling strings to get your husband’s brother-in-law’s son or daughter hired at the fire department. I did. It’s easy; just an executive order, and they skip right to the front of the line. You see, the fire department is a high wage job, and his kid can buy a big house with guest rooms. Problem solved.

That’ll be $50, payable to the Gahan for Mayor Re-Election Fund (Patronage Hiring Department).

Ha ha — I’m just joking!

Actually it’s $100.

Dear Mayor Gahan,

My husband told me that he received a very strange call well past midnight from someone. He said he answered the phone and a man who sounded like his boss began yelling at him about Baylorites and communists, and he sounded kind of drunk. Then the drunk man hung up and he didn’t call back. I’m angry and want to confront the man, but I have no idea who it was or how to contact him. These calls happen all the time. Am I just supposed to try to forget this ever happened?

I’m confused. Did Warren go and remarry?

Mayor Gahan returns next week to answer, accept donations and fill out your absentee ballot.