Councilman Bob Caesar releases statement on the advent of two-way streets, vows continued one-way thinking.


A carrier pigeon deposited this note into the Green Mouse’s hand as he was waiting for Pastime to open, just in time for Day 2,228.

This is Bob Caesar, your student council city council representative from beautiful District Silver Hills, which is a cool, leafy and lofty paradise looking down on the remainder of you lookalike schmucks in the flood plain, so don’t you even think about coming up here, got it?

Not even for a picnic. Now, where was I?

Oh, yes. I’d like to explain briefly why you can’t blame me for the approaching two-way apocalypse.

In 2011, I … Tiberius Severus Octavian Elagabalus Septimius Augustus Claudius Hadrian Gluteus Maximus Caesar– Protector of Fitting and Proper Scribnerian Values, Deliverer of all Downtown Datedness, Master of the Ex-Mercantile, and Guardian of the Gates – promised to you, my loyal subjects, that I would resist two-way streets to my very last sincerely labored book-free breath.

(Honestly, I’m a bit confused myself, because two-way streets are here and I’m as yet alive, still working diligently to shield governmental decision-making and finances from the prying eyes of anti-establishment rabble-rousers like The Drunkist. I suppose Evan Bayh decided that it just wasn’t my time, quite yet.)

Admittedly, I may have lost this opening round in the struggle against modernity – actually, I flipped it as a favor to Mayor Gahan after he promised that Shane would protect me in that whole bicentennial commission expenditures unpleasantness — but believe you me, I’ve only just begun to inflict my antediluvian values on the rest of you.

Both today and in 2024, when I expect to be appointed your Exalted Mayor after my single favorite human being Jeff Gahan is promoted to Cigar Store Governor, I urge you to join me in our shared struggle to restore the undisputed grandeur of our forefathers, who saw clearly that “affordable” housing is just another word for lazy sloths who can’t be bothered to wear a necktie, and who have no business residing atop Silver Hills in the first place.

When it comes right down to it, if you’re too poor to buy jewelry, then you definitely DESERVE two-way streets. I tried to help, but you were to stupid to listen. Suffer the consequences, rabble — and remember, Silver Hills is a no-fly zone for anyone without a bank account.

Thank you and God bless,