Democrats fold lightning fast as Coffey broadens demands to include groceries, free cable and the return of square dancing.


Councilman Dan Coffey, whose DCP (Dan Coffey Party) holds one city council seat, and who recently demanded the axing of city council attorney Matt Lorch as the price for his continued cooperation with Jeff Gahan’s and Adam Dickey’s Undemocratic Party, has released an updated list of demands, “or else I’ll vote with the Republicans and take that namby-pamby banker with me.”

In addition to a small laundry list of parking tickets to be fixed, the list includes:

  • Retroactive sewer tap-in abatements for Coffey’s house
  • To facilitate Coffey’s crusade to “keep track of their pinko faggot asses,” all New Albany residents who voted for Hillary Clinton must wear a yellow star
  • Council prayer time to be expanded to include “some of those wonderful old-time gospel numbers”
  • Silver Street Park is to be renamed Steve Price Park, and the multi-million-dollar sports facility made available for the use of unlicensed auctioneers
  • There must be a complete audit of city corporate attorney Shane Gibson’s bond underwriting proceeds

(Editor: Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day)

The Green Mouse found Gahan and Dickey in conference at the Roadhouse, mulling Coffey’s proposals. Dickey released this statement:

“My good friends, for the umpteenth time in our history, a party chairman has returned from Westendia bringing peace with honor. I believe it is peace for our time. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Go home and get a nice quiet sleep.”

He added, “Shane’s not going to like that last part, but what’s he going to do, go out in the real world and work, or something?”