Some final thoughts on the topic of two-way streets, and then it’s someone else’s turn.


Let’s get sickeningly topical and make this blog great again.

The sex tape I’d like to see most of all is the one of Irv Stumler, Mark Seabrook and David Aebersold with a Padgett crane on a one-way street.

Use the hashtag #mmmf, please, and oh, by the way, I’ll need full body condom to even begin entertaining the thought, as well as a few quarts of Old Grand Dad for the sake of these sad old grand-dads.

Accidental councilman Aebersold is the latest misinformed pillar to rush forward with opinions disguised as facts *, and while I know much of his scattershot drivel is preparatory groundwork for Seabrook’s future masturbatory political aspirations, it has become wearying to wake up in the morning and know that if I don’t publicly rebut these civic has-beens, no one else will.

Folks, it’s been my pleasure these many years, and although I can’t rule out an intervention in the next few weeks, New Albany’s two-way street saga has become wearying to me.

Que sera sera — and is it time to leave for Sicilian holiday yet?

I’m looking forward to seeing Mt. Etna close up and personal, drinking wine, and eating the local pasta dish made with anchovies and fresh sardines. Knowing they have mafia there, too, should make it feel just like home.

As for New Albany’s street grid, at this point one of two things is sure to happen.

A. City Hall will make good on its many private assurances that HWC’s full-tilt two-way street reconversion will occur, given that funding has been secured and project dates announced, even if the Board of Public Works and Safety continues to protest that a decision has not been made, right up until the point the otherwise pre-ordained vote is final.

I enjoy performance art as much as the next person, so let’s hope Warren makes it convincing.

B. Superannuated opponents of modernity, slouching over there amid their bilge on the wrong side of history, will somehow manage to insert a spanner into the works, perhaps with a new surprise lawsuit, a trucking boycott, providential state GOP intervention or dramatic self-immolation.

If the latter, I can only hope they let me know, because I’d be delighted to throw out the first match.

I suppose it remains possible that we might see a partial reconversion of the streets, rationalized as the first of two phases, with the second being quietly forgotten. It strikes me as the least likely scenario, but there it is. Considering the petty games local “leaders” are so very fond of playing, it’s impossible to handicap.

Of course, if the two-point-something-million-dollar scheme wasn’t cleverly devised to leverage federal money for street paving, it wouldn’t be considered at all, and one-way would remain the highway forever more.

It is my sincere hope that if you’re one of the many two-way proponents eager to express an opinion, yet hesitant to do so openly because you grasp the historic frequency of half-erect pillar reprisals right here in river city, you’ve already dispatched your feelings to the official public opinion accumulator:

If not, please do so.

Pretty please?

One week ago, I challenged Irv to join me in sitting this one out.

ON THE AVENUES: On two-way streets, a modest proposal for the consideration of my disoriented one-way counterpart.

Then I disassembled his “survey” theses and tossed them on the ash heap of history.

ON THE AVENUES 3-PK, PART THREE: Survey says … Irv’s street grid agitprop won’t be putting Diogenes out of work any time soon.

There isn’t anything left for me to do. It’s difficult for me to disengage from something this passionate, and a guy has the right to change his mind, but you know what?

It’s someone else’s turn. Step up, folks. The microphone’s on, and this forum is yours. It’s time for me to study those Italian phrases instead.

* It’s in the form of a mind-numbing letter seemingly copied in longhand from Thomas Aquinas’ “Summa Theologica”, and masochists can search the Courier-Journal for it, but I simply can’t sanction links to pornographic content.