In the absence of the local chain newspaper, we turn to Loueyville media for excerpts from this breaking story.
… David Duggins, the city’s Millennial Enfluffment Director (MED), told Busyness First that all due credit for the innovative Break Wind Subway Station goes to Mayor Jeff Gahan.
“Obviously, we have no subway in New Albany,” said Duggins.
“I mean, an actual subway is your basic pie in the sky mass transit crappola, but the genius of Jeff Gahan is that he instinctively understands what millennials crave, which is the appearance of luxury without anyone’s brains getting hurt trying to figure out how those validation machines work.”
According to Duggins, the functionality of the Break Wind Subway Station is that it won’t be connected to anything, but will serve as a mere symbol of the unattainable for those high-rolling hipsters expected to inhabit the highest-priced apartments in town.
“It’s like our city-wide sharrows project,” said Duggins. “We paint symbols on the street and declare victory. The intended users have such short attention spans that they never realize none of it leads anywhere or means anything.”
“The Break Wind Subway Station serves the same purpose. It’s an imaginary quality of life bonus, and it makes me proud to serve a mayor with vision of this magnitude.”
Concluded Duggins, “Besides, shit like this is way easy to TIF.”
There’ll now be a city-wide contest to create a design for the imaginary Break Wind Subway Station signage. The contest will be restricted to whichever graphic artists are hanging out at Quills when Duggins stops in for his latte.
A few of the entries are pictured here …
… along with the winning entry.
