Mayor Jeff Gahan announces a new Deputy Mayor.


On Wednesday afternoon, immediately after a group of presumed adults wearing suits donned hard hats, grasped shovels in non-calloused hands and moved dirt around the asphalt, Mayor Jeff Gahan numbly dodged a wheelchair user unable to navigate the blocked Spring Street sidewalk, and told an assembled reporter that he’s making an appointment.

“I don’t have to do this,” yelled Gahan over the noise of passing semis, “but because my administration is dedicated to the business of uniformity, there’ll be a new job called the Deputy Mayor for Neighborhoods.

“We haven’t decided yet who his council proxy will be,” mused the mayor. “Mike Hall already has a job being me at meetings.”

According to Gahan, the key to making a good hire is to pay a competitive salary (“No one will notice if we just TIF it”) and to restrict applicants to those residing outside the city limits.

“Because our goal is to import nice, tidy, germicidal designs from the suburbs to the urban core, it’s vital to have people who understand the value of white bread, if you catch my drift.”

“That nasty dark bread is awful with Velveeta.”

Gahan continued: “See, all those people who’ve never done anything positive for this city talk about the urban books they’ve read, and how other urban places do it better – I mean look, Sellersburg’s a great model for New Albany, and it’s just up the highway.”

Gahan wants his suburban supporters to help him select the perfect Deputy Mayor for Neighborhoods.

“We’re going to have a Facebook contest, and as long as you don’t live in an apartment, you can vote for your favorite – anyone you want so long as it’s Shane or Duggins.”

Somewhere on 5th Street, a dog barked.

“We’ll put all the names in a hat and have a drawing, and first place gets a year’s pass to River Runs Water Park.”

Gahan paused.

“And second place gets two years.”