For Monday night’s final city council meeting prior to the conclusion of primary election voting on Tuesday, Dan Coffey has scheduled “Prayer Prattle-Thon: The Sequel,” a down home camp meeting designed to reunite the city’s errant legislative arm on the rack of bimonthly rote invocations.
Customarily, we’d give this time-wasting idiocy the ritualistic lancing and satirical lampooning it so richly deserves, but not today, because in a well-played tactical thrust, councilman (and Republican mayoral candidate) Kevin Zurschmiede has chosen the very same evening to place Team Gahan on the docket, with three precisely-aimed resolutions, each of which addresses one of City Hall’s many recent prominent examples of institutionalized non-transparency.
Of course, given that Coffey has become the most vocal Gahan advocate this side of the mayor’s own blood relatives — to paraphrase POTUS, Gahan and Coffey have gotten so close that some places in Floyds Knobs won’t serve them pizza anymore — the wizard’s opportunities for grandstanding and caterwauling in response are endless, and the jokes just write themselves. The three resolutions appear in their entirety below. Here are handy summaries.
R-15-10 On botched appointments to the stormwater and/or sewer boards
R-15-11 On city seals, logos and Dugginsesque branding skittles and doohickey proliferation
R-15-12 On ceasing the hitherto unknown practice of waiving sewer connection fees
Further merriment comes from the fact that 6th district councilman Scott Blair, who has consistently derided council resolutions and refused to vote on them out of principle, also has openly stated his eagerness to vote with Coffey on the latter’s vacuous invocation … resolution.
How will the fundamentally beleaguered denizens of the down-low bunker react to Zurschmiede’s resolutions? I think they won’t.
At the end of the day, over ice-cold long-necks of soothing light beer at the roadhouse, resolutions are merely symbolic. I expect to see Mike Hall on hand Monday, with perhaps a drive-by on the part of corporate counsel. As for the vote tallies, one wouldn’t expect a largely pliant council with a DemoDisneyDixiecratic majority to muster the “yeas” necessary to pass resolutions amounting to censure, introduced by a Republican who’s running against their paymaster — but I’m the sort who values the little things, like a furrowed brow or a barely discernible squirm.
This may require a pre-meeting martini at The Exchange, but only one, please; I must be in shape to ask Bob Caesar why the bicentennial commission financial report I requested last time has yet to appear in my inbox.