Here’s a civic expenditure that is guaranteed to pass muster, even (especially) with the Luddite cadres in New Albany.


Last week the Courier-Journal reported that at the June 19 meeting of New Albany’s city council, members “will be asked … to approve a request from Mayor Doug England’s administration to appropriate $1 million from a fund donated to the city by the Caesars Indiana riverboat casino.”

Read it here: New Albany council asked to appropriate $1 million

The England administration describes the ultimate destination of this money as “capital outlays,” meaning that specific projects are not being identified at this point in time.

But NAC just learned that Councilman Cappuccino intends to hijack the cool million in question, not for his personal enrichment – he’s far too unambitious for that – but to further efforts to protect Westendia from modernization by funding a pet program that he’s calling Relocate Them People Now (RTPN).

Here’s an excerpt from Cappuccino’s crayon-encrusted press release.

Just like you, I’ve always known that too many uppity progressives spoil the barbecued bologna, and so I come to you today with an exciting proposal to get them people out of town so we can return to our God-fearing lifestyle of poverty and dropping out of high school early to dig ditches.

Them people always talk about cleaning up the city, well, what about cleaning out some of them people? All they ever do is complain about how things might get better for all of us, but do we really want that? Can you imagine how much harder you’d have to work to keep up your property if it becomes more valuable? And if them people make us keep up out property, what happens to the rental business then? And how do I make a living preying on constituents slightly dumber than me?

That’s why I’m taking that million bucks, and instead of them people buying us out, we’ll buy them out – and ship ‘em off to France or Birdseye or wherever it is they keep talking about being so much better than here. Once we’re finished cleansing the IQs around here, we can get back to some sun tea, horseshoes and inbreeding.

Hmm, my only questions are these: Do we have more than two days to consider the offer? And will my 3rd district councilman “Nanny” Price fight to rezone our neighborhood to prevent our departure?

What’s that sound … the door hitting us in the you-know-where? That figures, but I hear there’ll be a gala book burning after we’re gone.