In an interview with the Banner-Gazette, veteran 1st District city councilman Dan Coffey disclosed that following an intense overnight consultation with Dial-A-Psychic, he has asked Governor Mitch Daniels to declare Coffey’s two-term council tenure a disastrous era, and for the state to provide monetary relief and crisis counseling to those New Albany residents most damaged by Coffey’s comically ineffectual career in local politics.
“I haven’t gotten all the information,” noted the Wizard of Westside, “but then again, I never do. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut, and get out there and help the little people in their time of digress.”
CM Coffey added, “even though I’ve always said that I’d rather double dip than quit, my record in 2006 indicates that we just have to do more to make sure that future electoral damage can be prevented.”
He vowed to inhabit a grocery cart in a drainage culvert located within a colleague’s council district as a form of public penance until a successor can be appointed or magically conjured from the funny papers, as CM Coffey himself once was.
Meanwhile, from the State House, Gov. Daniels confessed to having received Coffey’s letter.
“How could I forget,” said the governor. “Usually the ones in crayon are from kindergarten kids, not adults, and besides that, the postage was due. It wasn’t what I’d call a major move, to be frank.”
Gov. Daniels acknowledged forwarding the request for relief to the Republican National Committee’s damage control unit, currently on Red Foley Alert. When informed that CM Coffey is a registered Democrat, not a Republican, Gov. Daniels relied, “Oh, really? How could you tell?”
“Maybe we’d be better off leaving him where he is.”